The Scale and "treating myself"

This morning I weighed myself. 12 weeks into my pregnancy I am only up one pound. That is if the scale is correct. After that discovery, I have felt compelled all day to 'treat' myself...maybe some frozen yogurt later, or cuban chicken or a few small halloween size chocolate bars. I feel as though I now have room...to get away with SOMETHING. I might want to figure out what that something is. It might be a key.

A chance to have things my way? A chance to be gentle and forgiving of myself? A way of taking care of myself, the way indulgent parents take care of overtired, cranky, despairing toddlers?

Last night as I went to sleep, I came to a fuzzy conclusion about some connection between feeling taken care of and seen and overeating at meal time, my biggest problem area. Do I feel invisible at meals? I know I feel swept up and distracted. I will pay attention in the coming days.

Goals tomorrow.

Maybe Writing will Help

Maybe writing ten minutes every few days will help stimulate my consciousness. Since this is not a time when I can diet or lose weight, maybe I can take a few minutes each day to reflect and try to learn about my relationship to food. Or is meditation the right answer? Who knows, but I will try this now.

What I know today is that I hate food. I wish I never had to eat. I wish I could just get through the day and have my fun and do my jobs and love my people and be free from food. What I know is that I am so distracted when I eat...anxious or watching Emmett, or bored/anxious/feeling out of control when out with friends, I cannot seem to focus and be in touch with my body or hunger.

I have no answers tonight. Just a willingness to explore, even though it drives me nuts that one session of writing won't solve anything. Ugh.

Yet I am determined to have a healthier relationship to food. Tomorrow I will write out what my goals for that relationship are.